Unexpected News

So my mom has a tumor in her heart. I hope she's not mad at me for broadcasting this in so public a way, but I felt the need to share.

Yesterday morning at 9:30 I was driving home from a quick trip to Dollar General to buy a swimming pool float when "Mom" popped up on my caller ID. I heard the tension in her voice - "Where are you right now?....Well I have some news to share...."

She was still at the cardiologist.

"My doctor just did an echocardiogram, and I have a mass growing in my heart."

What?!?

"Dad is on his way, and the doctor is sending me straight to the hospital and scheduling the surgery as soon as possible."

Well, this was pretty much last on the list of things I was expecting to happen on Friday June 24th, 2011.

I guess that's how it goes, though. Nobody is expecting that it will happen TODAY. We all know that eventually something is going to happen to us, our spouses, our parents - disease, accidents, eventually death. Just not today, right?

I try desperately to live life intentionally. To live with the end in mind and with a constant awareness of how temporary this life is. I strive for this to be a theme of my life - to do what matters so that I will not have regrets.

Then the unexpected "tragedy" occurs and I am just as blindsided as everyone else is when it happens to them.

Listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city and spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

-James 4:13-15

I share all this to say: Hug your kids, go on a date with your spouse, call your mama. Your "today" will come. Maybe it's not TODAY. I hope not. But live with the end in mind every single day.

But anyway, the rest of the story: My mom has a atrial myxoma. It nearly fills her left atrium and spills into the left ventricle. 99% of the time, this type of tumor is non-cancerous. The surgery to remove it will be Tuesday, and the prognosis is extremely good.

We have seen God's hand at work in many ways already. It's practically a miracle that the tumor was even discovered. Often this type of tumor is not found until part of it breaks off and causes a stroke. Many other details about her current situation make it apparent that God is taking care of her in this. What a comfort that he knows in advance what is going to happen. Our God is never blindsided by "today"!

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.

- Psalm 23:4

He is always with us and we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS in death or in life, in illness or in health through Christ Jesus. He is with us and works all things for our good, according to his purposes. We trust him!

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid?

The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?

When the evil one comes to devour me, when my enemy and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.

Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid.

Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident.

The one thing I ask of the Lord - the one thing I seek most - is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in his temple.

For he will conceal me there when troubles come;

He will hide me in his sanctuary.

He will place me out of reach on a high rock.

Then I will hold my head high above the enemy who surrounds me.

At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me!

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord I am coming."

Do not turn your back on me.

Do not reject your servant in anger.

You have always been my helper.

Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation!

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.

Teach me how to live, O Lord.

Lead me along the right path, for my enemy is waiting for me.

Do not let me fall into his hands, for he accuses me of things I've never done;

with every breath he threatens me with violence.

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Sheep Print

In June of last year I posted this:

Black Baby, White Mama

Last week while we were at the Shaker Village, we saw this:

It made me cry.

Sometimes I have doubts about adopting transracially. I wonder if we are doing the right thing. Some say that it is not "natural" for a white family to raise a black child. They argue that there are just too many differences between the races. Having never been there, it is hard not to wonder if they are right.

Then God comforted me with the gift of this image. Even in nature, he reminded me, he gives black babies to white mamas. They are both sheep. They are exactly the same on the inside. It just so happens that the wool of one is a different color than the wool of the other. There is nothing weird or unnatural about it. They are a family, just the way that God intended.

Lord, make us a family with the child that you have called us to love. Help us to see no difference but the color of our "wool."

I had been planning for a while to frame the photograph above to put on the wall in B's bedroom. Instead my creative hubby offered to do something better for me. He made me this beautiful image:

He used hand carved stamps and made it using the "block printing" technique. This image still makes me cry.

Underneath, I put one of my favorite verses these days, one that I cling to often:

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

- Isaiah 40:11

Unexpected Grief

Today is Benjamin's first birthday. The cupcakes are made, the house is clean, and in a couple of hours we are expecting some family members to help us celebrate! What joy to finally have him home and to get to share this special milestone with him. I began dreaming about this birthday party long before we even had him home with us.

But as I have prepared for the party over the last couple of days, I have had an unexpected emotional reaction.

Birthdays are a fun time to celebrate a person. With parties and cakes we seek to say we love you and we are glad that you were born. But for mommies birthdays have a deeper, fuller meaning. They are a day of special remembrance. We recall watching a miracle as God brought a new life forth from our bodies. We recall watching in wonder and falling in love. Today I am feeling grief, unexpected grief, because I have no such memories of Benjamin.

I wish I remember what happened a year ago today. I wish that when I met Benjamin's birth mom it had occurred to me to ask her about her labor. What was the birth like? Who helped her? How long was she in labor? What was the weather like that day?

I am his mommy; there is no doubt about that. But today I feel a hole. Over time I'm sure that this hole will be filled with many, many memories, replacing the sadness that I feel right now. After all, our relationship only goes back two months.

Happy birthday, Little Brother. We love you very, very much, and we are so glad that you joined our family.

A Happy Report

Well I am filled with joy to share that things are going really well now. I have gradually found new rhythms and routines for our days that are working for us. Madeline is doing SO WELL with Benjamin – so helpful and kind and patient (well, most of the time…). Benjamin is doing awesome! I mean, incredible. He has done a 180 and is so much more secure and content than he was a few weeks ago. And me? Well, I am no longer on the brink of crying all the time and instead I am having a lot of fun! Really!

My threshold for dealing with the craziness has increased so that it doesn’t get to me nearly as much. I am a one-thing-at-a-time type of person and I get overwhelmed too easily. I wish so badly that I could multi-task well. Aren’t all women supposed to be good at that? Well, I’m not. The multi-tasking part of my brain is underdeveloped, and trying to juggle a lot of things at once is extremely stressful for me. But I’m getting used to it and getting better at it. I no longer cry every time I am trying to get the car packed and the kids loaded just to go to the grocery store. :)

Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers and encouragement over the past few weeks. You guys are wonderful – I have gotten emails, phone calls, offers to help, and even a card in the mail with a gift certificate for chocolate! So many have encouraged me by sharing scripture and relating your own experiences and struggles. Oh, it has helped so much! Thank you one and all. I had felt reluctant to share my difficulties in such a public way, but I am so glad that I did.

By the way, we went on a road trip to Asheville, NC, last weekend to run an important errand (and had a very fun family weekend in the process). It’s related to a fun and exciting announcement coming up about a way that we are going to be able to help even more adoptive families. We have been praying and dreaming about this for a long time now. I can't wait to share, but I'll just leave you with that teaser for now...

And finally...What kind of blog post would this be without cute pictures of the kids?

Hope

Do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

- Isaiah 41:10

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

- Isaiah 40:11

Don't lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

- II Corinthians 4:16-18

The Truth

Let me preface this by telling you that this isn’t going to be a happy-go-lucky blog post, full of rainbows and roses. I don’t have a super-spiritual revelation to share with you or a word of encouragement to brighten your day. I’m just gonna be real with ya. Mama is just barely holding it together some days lately.

I haven’t written much on this blog recently because, honestly, I haven’t been sure what to say. I don’t want to be a discouragement to anyone. I am fearful that someone out there is considering adoption and will read a post that shows the harder side of the adjustment period and will decide that it just too difficult. That’s why I’ve been quiet. I have felt the need to just burrow down into my little hole and keep everything to myself until things get easier, and then I’ll come back out into the sunshine and tell you some great stories about how well everyone is doing. But that’s not who I am. You see, I am a “real” person. I cannot stand being fake, even if that means that I come across as negative sometimes. So I will tell you the truth.

The transition to having two kids has been really, really hard. I am embarrassed to admit it. I know so many great mama’s (mostly through our adoption community) out there who have 4, 5, or even 6 or more kids. They love it, they seem to do a beautiful job managing their households, and their attitude is “the more the merrier.” I know that I should not be comparing myself with others. My job is to be the person that God created ME to be, to ask what his will is for MY life. But try as I may, I can’t stay away from the feeling that I am a real weenie – I can hardly manage life with two children and a small house when these other beautiful mothers have two or three times as many and a much larger house to keep up.

I’ve been getting by on a steady diet of sugar and caffeine, and I’ve gotten very little exercise since we have gotten back. I know that is definitely making me feel crummy physically and making everything else harder, but I just can’t seem to get back on track. Most nights I get six-ish hours of sleep, and I am gradually getting tireder and tireder.

Everything is such a struggle these days. Madeline (almost two-and-a-half now) has been particularly whiny and contrary lately. She is more defiant and disobedient that I am used to. Dealing with her and addressing everything that needs to be addressed takes so much constant energy.

Benjamin is very needy. He is a happy child when he is being held, but does not like to be put down at all. Even for a moment. This makes things like loading up the car to go somewhere, putting clothes in the dryer, or even just going to the bathroom extremely difficult. He is a passionate little guy, and he makes his displeasure known by screaming. This is very understandable behavior. He was abandoned by his birth mother, and he was then ripped away from his caretakers of six months at the transition home. Naturally, he is afraid of that happening again. He NEEDS me to stay close to him, to reassure him over and over that I am never going to leave him. That I may walk away, but I am always going to come back. (This is getting better gradually. This week I have noticed a big improvement – Praise God!)

Both of my children need me so much. I feel like I need to give 100% of my energy and emotion to each of them. Plus I want to have at least a little left over to give to Daniel when he gets home. Then there’s the housework, the cooking, the errands. Oh, and I guess I should leave a little bit of time and energy to take care of myself – you know get some exercise, get a little more sleep, have some quiet time.

The math just isn’t adding up. If I give 100% to each of my kids, it is already requiring 200% of my normal energy. And that leaves nothing for everything else on the list. So that’s where I am right now. And that’s why you haven’t heard much from me. :) I know that things will get easier. I am COUNTING on that. There are just a lot of wrinkles to be ironed out of this new season of life. A lot to figure out still in order to make life work for all of us.

Just say a prayer for me if you will – for strength, for patience, for energy. And that I will continue to cling to my Savior - the Only One who can give me the grace and the peace that I need to face each day and be all that I need to be for my family.

P.S. By the way, for the most part, these struggles are not adoption related. I'm just a tired mama of two very young children. Who I love very much. :)

Travel Journal Part Nine: Coffee Factory and The Long Journey Home

Friday, June 11 - Saturday, June 12

On Friday we got to visit a coffee factory. What a fun experience for a coffee-loving family! Coffee is Ethiopia's largest export, generating 60% of its total export earnings. So learning more about coffee was an important cultural experience as well as just being fun for us.

Emily and Yemi

We first visited the coffee shop and had our daily dose of caramel macchiatos. Yummy! Then we got to visit the warehouses with unbelievable stacks of burlap bags stuffed with coffee beans. All along the way our guide taught us about how the beans are processed, sorted for quality control, roasted, and shipped. Some of the beans are shipped "green," and some are roasted first at the factory. The beans for Starbucks Ethiopian blend come from this factory! (I believe he said that they are roasted elsewhere, though.)

My favorite part was seeing the large room where rows and rows of women sit on benches all day, combing through the coffee beans that continually pass by them on a conveyor belt. Quality control. At first I felt sorry for them. It seemed like it wouldn't be a very fun job. Then I realized that they seemed happy. Most of them were talking to each other as they worked.

This coffee roasting machine looked like something out of a movie

After this we spent the afternoon packing up and preparing to leave. We had to be at the airport at 4 pm for our 7 pm flight to Dubai. We had brought 4 large bags (3 duffel bags and a suitcase) with us. Three of them were filled with donations, so we thought we would have plenty of room for our souvenirs. They just barely fit, though! We bought 30 pounds of coffee to bring back with us, both for ourselves and to give to others. That is a lot of coffee!

Our bedroom at the Yesabi Guest House

Benjamin's bed

The sitting room and kitchen area that we shared with another family

By Friday, I was so ready to go home. Ever since we picked up Benjamin, I had been ready to just hop on a plane and get back. I'm thankful that we went early for that reason. It was hard to enjoy being there, soak up the culture, go sightseeing, etc., when all I wanted to do was get my baby home and have our family together.

But it was more than that. I had seen so many difficult things over the last week. There was so much that my heart needed to process, and I had just had all that I could take. I had seen so much suffering that I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. My heart was about to cave in from the pain. The unspeakable poverty, the street kids with so little hope for their future, the orphanages, the disease... I felt overwhelmed and hopeless.

However now, three weeks after returning home, I am reminded that my feelings of hopelessness are not from God. He is a God of hope, of life, of healing. I cling to the hope that he he has a plan for Ethiopia. He sees their suffering and has compassion. However, you and I are his hands and feet. He works through us. For God's purposes to be accomplished, WE must be obedient carry out his plans. We must use the gifts that he has given us - of money, of talent, of freedom and opportunity - to help others who have none of those things.

How do you want to use us God? We have seen and heard and our hearts have broken. What shall we do now? That is what we are asking constantly. We don't have complete answers yet, but we are trying to be faithful to just keep taking one step at a time. We are trusting that he will continue to show us the next step to take.

The journey home was long. Very, very long. But we made it, and that's all that really matters. Benjamin did amazingly well for a nine-month-old baby. He slept in our arms a lot, even as we walked around airports. We had a bassinet on our long flight (Yea Emirates!), and it was a life saver. He slept for about 4 hours straight in it. But then he was awake. Very awake. He was just being a normal, noisy, happy baby, but the sleeping people all around us didn't appreciate the squeals too much. It was stressful, but we survived. We stood up in the kitchen area quite a bit, and the flight attendants were so nice to us. They played with Benjamin and gave him toys.

Sleeping on a bench in the airport

Arriving home at the Nashville airport was a day that I will never, ever forget. Ahead of time I was a little afraid that I would regret inviting people to come since I knew we would be so tired, but that's not how I felt at all. The closer to Nashville we got, the more excited I got. I couldn't wait to get there! I couldn't WAIT to see Madeline again (oh, I missed my sweet girl SO much!), to introduce her to Benjamin, to introduce him to so many family and friends who were all there waiting for us and excited to finally see him in person. We had quite a welcoming party, and it meant so much to me. We felt so loved and supported.

And the day just continued to be wonderful! When we got home, we discovered that my Aunt Sarah had been there and had decorated our mailbox with a sign and balloons, cleaned our house, did laundry, left flowers in several rooms, and filled our refrigerator and pantry with fresh food. What a wonderful gift! Then later, some dear friends came over to meet Benjamin and bring us dinner. It was the first of many yummy meals delivered to us over the next couple of weeks.

9-year-old Mattie made this cake to welcome Benjamin home

I want to say thank you, once again, to every single person who has come alongside us during this long journey. So many of you donated money, others helped with fundraisers, and others supported us with their prayers and encouragement. We thank God for every one of you. The adoption process is finally over (thank goodness!!!), but the ADOPTION has only just begun.