Unexpected Grief

Today is Benjamin's first birthday. The cupcakes are made, the house is clean, and in a couple of hours we are expecting some family members to help us celebrate! What joy to finally have him home and to get to share this special milestone with him. I began dreaming about this birthday party long before we even had him home with us.

But as I have prepared for the party over the last couple of days, I have had an unexpected emotional reaction.

Birthdays are a fun time to celebrate a person. With parties and cakes we seek to say we love you and we are glad that you were born. But for mommies birthdays have a deeper, fuller meaning. They are a day of special remembrance. We recall watching a miracle as God brought a new life forth from our bodies. We recall watching in wonder and falling in love. Today I am feeling grief, unexpected grief, because I have no such memories of Benjamin.

I wish I remember what happened a year ago today. I wish that when I met Benjamin's birth mom it had occurred to me to ask her about her labor. What was the birth like? Who helped her? How long was she in labor? What was the weather like that day?

I am his mommy; there is no doubt about that. But today I feel a hole. Over time I'm sure that this hole will be filled with many, many memories, replacing the sadness that I feel right now. After all, our relationship only goes back two months.

Happy birthday, Little Brother. We love you very, very much, and we are so glad that you joined our family.