One Year

One year ago today….we had just made it through our first night at home with Benjamin and were utterly exhausted.

We had a confused two-year-old girl, not sure what this little brown boy was doing in her house and why he was taking all her parents’ attention away.

We had a nine-month-old baby boy who couldn’t yet roll over, much less crawl or walk.

Benjamin was extremely insecure and fragile. We couldn’t put him down and definitely couldn’t walk away for even a minute. Bathroom breaks and breaks to eat meals were hard. Tending to Madeline’s needs even harder. Cooking or cleaning were completely out of the question.

We were very nervous about the transition to being an inter-racial family. Our first few trips out into public were very nerve-wracking.

Today…we are 366 days into life as a family of four.

Benjamin is now the best sleeper EVER. He sleeps 11-12 hours straight every night and naps 3-4 hours every day. Yes, that’s right - I get a 4 hour nap out of him at least once a week.

Madeline doesn’t remember life without Little Brother, and she is very used to sharing attention and toys with Benjamin. (Not that she likes it any more than she used to….but that’s for a different blog post.)

Benjamin is twenty-one months old and is now walking (finally started at 19 months!) and feeding himself and communicating better every day.

Benjamin has “arrived” as far as attachment and security goes. He loves other people and is very social, but he also clings appropriately to his mama and daddy. He loves to cuddle and be rocked and is very affectionate. I honestly don’t think he has any insecurities other than just the normal age-appropriate separation anxiety.

We have had exactly ZERO negative experiences in dealing with other people’s reactions to us as an inter-racial family. Everywhere we go, people are drawn to Benjamin’s magnetic personality and flirtatious smile. He gets tons of attention out in public, and it has all been good. We’ve also had lots of opportunities for new relationships because of the new dynamic of our family. I never even think about watching other people out of the corner of my eye anymore to see how they are reacting to us. It doesn’t even cross my mind.

Yes, it has been a hard year. A really hard one. But the Lord has blessed us tremendously. We have come so far!

June 12th, 2010

June 12th, 2011

Then and Now

This was first day that we met Benjamin, five months ago. (He was sitting on my lap and looking at me in this photo.)

Benjamin and mama now.

What a difference a few months makes! The first few days together (really the first couple of months) it was sometimes hard to feel sure that we were doing the right thing for Benjamin. He was sad. His eyes look so unsure and afraid in those first photos. We didn't know him and he didn't know us.

When I look at those old pictures now I can read and interpret the looks and expressions that he was making. But at the time I could not. It is so hard to not know your baby, a baby who has already experienced over nine months of life. I read in a book the other day that adoption is a lot like opening a book in the middle and starting to read. It's hard for everyone to figure out what is going on for a while.

But when I look at the photo above, it fills my heart with joy. Yes, he is really my baby now and I am his mama. He knows me and I know him. He is at home, and he is thriving.

My Boy

Benjamin Update

I guess it's about time that I write an update on family life. It's been too long. That's the problem. When I get behind on something, or when I feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut do
wn. Starting feels too hard when there is so much to write. How do I summarize the complexity and busyness of the last couple of months without just making some generic statement about how "life is great"? I suppose I should just take it one chunk at a time. For starters, here is an update on the most recent addition to our family:

Benjamin is now fourteen months old, and I thank God that he has now been with us for one-third of his short life. When I look at the photos from his first days with us I realize how much he has changed and grown during that time. What a big boy he is getting to be! The clingy and insecure wailing baby of the first couple of months is gone. We now have a son who crawls at lightning speed around the house, forcing me to chase him down because he has become so independent. He is at the INTO EVERYTHING stage: emptying drawers, pulling things over on top of himself, tossing everything he encounters in his mouth without discernment. We call him the Roomba - you know, the vacuum that bounces around the room sucking up everything in its path. That's our boy.

He started crawling around his first birthday (August) and can now pull up just about anywhere. He's also just starting to "cruise" a little bit. I don't expect to see his true first steps for a couple more months, and that is just fine with me! He is already into everything as it is! Madeline didn't walk until almost seventeen months, and so he fits right in at our house.

His personality has seriously mellowed out. We don't hear nearly as much screaming, and his temper is not as extreme. He has actually become quite a tender little guy and gets his feelings hurt pretty easily these days. When we tell him no, he often looks hurt and begins to cry instead of getting mad and throwing himself on the floor like he used to.

He is absolutely in love with his daddy. Now don't get me wrong, he loves his mama. But he REALLY loves his daddy. In the morning if I am the one to get him out of bed, he looks at me and says, "Whuh dada?" When he gets up from his afternoon nap, he asks the same question. And when Dada finally walks in the back door at supper time, he is so out-of-his-mind excited he can hardly stand it.

The language part of his brain woke up one day a couple of weeks ago, and he suddenly started learning new words every day. He constantly points at things and asks, "What's that?" Actually it sounds more like, "uh sat?" So cute. He understands way more than he can say, and so we are starting to feel like we can really communicate with him. I LOVE it.

B is so friendly it cracks me up. He flags down people at the grocery store to wave and say hi. And he acts just as secure as any other kid his age now. We leave him in the church nursery and with a babysitter sometimes, and after the initial protest at the indignity of being left behind, he is just fine.

He is seriously the best sleeper ever. To say that I am thankful for that is an understatement. He sleeps from 8 pm till 7 am and never (never!) wakes up during the night. Then he takes a one hour nap in the morning and a THREE (or sometimes more!) hour nap in the afternoon. He definitely makes life easy on his mama in this way.

We have been struggling with some digestive issues. For the past couple of months he has had chronic diarrhea, and we just can't quite seem to figure out what the problem is. (I have lots of

graphic, entertaining yet stomach-turning stories that I could share about this, but you probably would never read my blog again if I did.) He has tested negative for various parasites or other problems that could cause it, and we have ruled out lactose intolerance. If anybody out there has any insight because of personal experiences with an Ethiopian child, I would love to hear from you! But the boy certainly has an appetite. He easily eats twice as much as Madeline does. At some point, we just have to stop feeding him. He doesn't ever really stop on his own. And he eats everything!

We are so thankful to God for the prayers that we have seen answered over the past several months. Benjamin has come so far, and we have grown in faith and maturity as we struggled through those early days. Every day we are more in love with our boy. And he truly is now - he is ours.

Cute Kids

Perhaps I'm a little partial, but you've got to admit that these guys are pretty cute. :)

(the surprised look)

(the offended look)

(the just plain sweet look)

We tried very hard to get a good shot of Benjamin in his traditional Ethiopian clothes. This was the best we could do.

Most of them looked like this

...unless he had a cracker in his mouth

And a good picture of both kids together? Not a chance. Oh well.

Madeline in her traditional Ethiopian dress

Life is good. :)

Happy Birthday Benjamin!

We had a lion-themed birthday party for Benjamin on Saturday

Madeline was very excited to help me make these lion cupcakes. :)

I used a runner on the table that I bought at the ALERT hospital in Ethiopia, and a wood carved lion from the market.

I made a rare full-price retail purchase when I bought this lion shirt for the birthday boy to wear at his party. He had a diaper explosion not long after the party started, and he had to have a wardrobe change. I was determined to get a picture of him in it, though, before we changed his clothes. He was NOT cooperating. :)

Pizza and fruit was on the menu. We kept it simple. :)

Mama and the birthday boy

Getting some tickles from Peepaw

Cousin Annie

The fire truck riding toy was a huge hit

Time to blow out the candles!

And time to eat cake! Here is the first bite...

Ooh! I think I like this stuff!

Oh yeah, I am seriously digging the cake thing.

Woah! Did I seriously just eat the whole thing?!

And big sister enjoyed the fruits of her labor too.

Unexpected Grief

Today is Benjamin's first birthday. The cupcakes are made, the house is clean, and in a couple of hours we are expecting some family members to help us celebrate! What joy to finally have him home and to get to share this special milestone with him. I began dreaming about this birthday party long before we even had him home with us.

But as I have prepared for the party over the last couple of days, I have had an unexpected emotional reaction.

Birthdays are a fun time to celebrate a person. With parties and cakes we seek to say we love you and we are glad that you were born. But for mommies birthdays have a deeper, fuller meaning. They are a day of special remembrance. We recall watching a miracle as God brought a new life forth from our bodies. We recall watching in wonder and falling in love. Today I am feeling grief, unexpected grief, because I have no such memories of Benjamin.

I wish I remember what happened a year ago today. I wish that when I met Benjamin's birth mom it had occurred to me to ask her about her labor. What was the birth like? Who helped her? How long was she in labor? What was the weather like that day?

I am his mommy; there is no doubt about that. But today I feel a hole. Over time I'm sure that this hole will be filled with many, many memories, replacing the sadness that I feel right now. After all, our relationship only goes back two months.

Happy birthday, Little Brother. We love you very, very much, and we are so glad that you joined our family.

We Are Crawling!

Look what happened at our house yesterday!

Look out world, here he comes!

In addition, we are doing "Potty Training Boot Camp" at our house this week. Yesterday we enjoyed five successes and only one wet diaper! And today has brought several more successful trips to the potty. Woo hoo!

It has already been a big week at the Dubois house!

Two Month Update on Benjamin

For those of you who are interested, I thought I would share a bit about how our little man is doing. (I call him that - "Little Man" - a lot, and Madeline has caught on. She handed him a toy the other day and said, "Here you go, Little Man. :) )

First and foremost: He is completely healthy! We are so thankful! Our pediatrician tested him for just about everything he could be tested for, and all the results have come back negative. Praise God! We had braced ourselves, expecting that we might face some concerning health problems when we got home. As much as possible, we had been saving the money in our FSA this year "just in case." The only little hiccup is that his TB skin test was positive. This is ONLY because he received the TB vaccine while he was at the Transition Home in Ethiopia, and this causes him to have the antibody in his bloodstream. His chest x-ray is completely clear. He does NOT have tuberculosis. However, the health department doesn't care. Anyone (at least in our state) who has a positive skin test has to take medication for 9 months. So we are about a month and a half into that. If that's the worst thing that we have to face, then we will take it. Our pediatrician is re-vaccinating him for all of the standard things. He did receive some immunizations while in Ethiopia, but he recommends just starting over.

The little (big) guy is growing by leaps and bounds. In the first month that we were home he grew half an inch and gained 2 1/2 pounds! I know that is much more than that by now. He is over 25 pounds already and around the 90th percentile for his weight and moving up to around the 60th for his height. Our pediatrician gave us a pat on the back, telling us that the quick increase in height is directly linked to how much love and security he is receiving.

He got FOUR teeth all in the same week a few weeks ago. Poor little guy. It was a rough week for all of us. So he now has two on the bottom (with a third about to poke through) and four on the top. His big teeth up top make him look like a big kid!

When we picked him up from the Transition Home, he was about 9 1/2 months old and not at all mobile. He could sit up, and that was it. He wasn't at all interested in trying to go anywhere. He didn't even roll over yet. He still slept like a tiny infant, flat on his back with his arms and legs extended, never moving an inch. He was nowhere near crawling. He had no strength at all in his arms and legs. In fact, when we stood him up on our laps, holding his hands, he would start crying after a couple of minutes. He wasn't used to that, and his little legs hurt! Well, he has progressed tremendously since coming home. He started rolling over within a couple of weeks after we got back, and he was soon able to log roll to get where he wanted to go. He isn't technically crawling yet, but every day for the last week I have thought that it was going to be the big day. He is right on the verge, up on his hands and knees, rocking back and forth. He manages to scoot from one place to another, and he is very motivated now. He gets so frustrated when he can't reach whatever it is that he wants.

He is saying quite a few words already. I had expected that he would take a little bit longer to begin to catch on to our language since the sounds are so different from Amharic, but that hasn't been the case at all. He started learning new words right away. He can say (or at least tries to say) Dada, Mama, bye bye, baba (bottle), kitty, all done, and bread (his favorite food). I have tried teaching him a few signs. He understands what they mean, but he doesn't attempt to do them at all. But if he chooses to learn the words instead, that is even better. He waves when you say "bye bye" and claps when you say "yea!" He seems just like a healthy, normal almost one-year-old.

Benjamin is a GREAT sleeper. WHAT A BLESSING. I do not take this for granted at all. Since getting over jet lag (it took about two weeks for him to fully adjust), he has slept through the night every single night. Madeline wasn't even doing that yet at this age! We have gradually worked on adjusting his schedule to fit better with the rhythm of our family life. Although it took a while, his schedule works out great for everyone now. At first he was an early riser - 5:45 or so most mornings - and he preferred to go to bed at 7 pm or so. Normal for babies, I know, but really hard on mama... Now he goes to bed at 8 pm, and he gets up at 7 am or so. He naps twice a day for 1 1/2 hours or so each time, and his afternoon nap is at the same time as Madeline's. That is HUGE for me.

Our Benjamin is a passionate little guy. That is something we are having to get used to around here... We are a mild mannered family, and we are used to having things at least somewhat calm and quiet most of the time. Well, B isn't into "calm and quiet." The boy is a screamer. He screams when he is happy, when he is sad, when he is mad. He loves to hear himself, and he loves noise! And boy oh boy, does he have a temper. He arches that little back and throws himself backward when things don't go his way. It's amusing now, but I know that it won't be later. :) I do love to see the vibrancy of his personality. His passion is going to make all of our lives richer as he grows and develops.

He has come such a long way in the security department. We literally couldn't put him down without him falling apart at first. He would act like his little heart was breaking every time. This is normal, but it was really, really stressful. I know that many have been praying for him and for us, and I can't thank you enough. Our prayers are being answered before our eyes. The turning point was about three weeks ago: We arrived home after going to the grocery store, and I had to put him on the floor with some toys while I made three trips back to the car to bring in groceries. Normally at that point he would have been screaming his head off, both sad and mad that I would dare to put him down like that. But I made THREE TRIPS and he never cried a bit. Instead I cried, thanking God that this day had come! Since then he has continued to become more and more secure. He still prefers to stay close, but he definitely doesn't seem to think that we are leaving him forever every time we put him down for a minute.

I carry him around in a backpack with a frame on it (the kind that you use for hiking) quite a bit. Weighing in at over 25 pounds, he is way to heavy for the Baby Bjorn or a sling now. He is very content to just hang out with me, which is fun. Ethiopian women carry their babies on their backs, and I like to think that it is in his genes to be carried that way. I'm not cool enough to pull it off the way they do, tying him on with a shawl, but the backpack works for me pretty well. I can cook, run the vacuum, play with Madeline in the yard, and do lots of other things while he is there, and we are both happy. I have, however, had to start seeing my chiropractor again.... Oh well. This is a season, right?

Life is good. I have two beautiful, happy, and healthy children. I have a husband who loves me and is supportive. I have a lovely home, and I love where we live. We have so much more than we need. The Lord has blessed us. May we live to bless others.

Our Life in Pictures

I have no idea how you mama's out there who have four or five kids are able to keep up with a blog. I hardly have time to go to the bathroom these days, much less write long and thoughtful blog posts. By the time they go to bed, I am beat. I am a tired mama these days. But I sure do have two cute kids! :) Here is a peek at some of the cuteness that our little house has been filled with lately.

Cuddling in mama and daddy's bed before bedtime. Yes, our pillow cases don't match the sheets. Yes, there is a wet spot from a bottle that leaked. Focus on the cute kids please.

Bath time. Oh how our boy loves the bath tub. Splashes and laughs and splashes and laughs. He even lets you pour water over his head and thinks that it is funny.

Dress up. We do this A LOT. She wears the tiara and the high heels (her "pancy" shoes) at least half of the time.

And, of course, Elmo needs to dress up too.

Madeline loves raw corn on the cob. I let her try it once because she was being so impatient when I told her that I needed to cook it first. I thought one bite would convince her that she would rather wait. Nope. She ate the whole thing.

"Don't touch me, brother!"

More dressing up. She has learned how to do the "cheese" face.

And more dressing up. Notice the wings she is eating while eating supper.

Madeline goes through spells where she wears these rose-tinted sunglasses all the time. Even while watching Pingu on Netflix. Oh yes, and holding her friend Mr. Potato head at the same time.

Quite a handsome guy, don't you think? :)

The little guy LOVES to make noise. The more noise the better in his opinion.

Ready for the 4th of July parade in our little town.

Spraying Daddy with a squirt bottle to help him keep cool. Don't you love the feather hat that she got at the parade? :)

,

Cool dude. He LOVES to swing, and the higher the better. Quite the opposite of my cautious little girl who likes to just barely move on the swing. I lightly push her, and she tells me, "Too high mama! Too high!"

Gotta love the icing goatee. July 2nd is the birthday of one of M's friends, so we had some cupcake fun with them on the 4th.

Yea for birthdays and yea for cupcakes!

Yes, and yea for sparklers too! Madeline thought this was great fun. I LOVE that she is getting old enough now to do fun things with.

Flowers that Daniel sent me on a particularly hard day. Yes, I will admit that the transition to having two young children has been overwhelming on some days. Daniel has been so helpful and supportive.

Playing in the water on a very hot day at my parents' house. My sis and her daughter came to visit for a week earlier this month.

What a cutie!

Benjamin and his cousin Abigail are only three days apart.

Isn't she beautiful?

A little over two years ago, there were no babies in our extended family. Now there are four with a fifth on the way! These are fun years. Abigail jumped off the stairs only moments after this was taken.

Rachel and Abigail - two beauties.

A couple of my college friends had a shower for us a couple of weeks ago. It was such a special day. Isn't this the best cake ever?

Mary, me, and Chrissy. Friends since college. I love these girls.

And I love this one too! Kristen was my roommate for four years. She has three sweet girls with a fourth on the way!

My friend Gloria from Sierra Leone

Playing by the creek at the park

Lots of diapers! The best present ever!

And this is what Benjamin thought of the shower... A great opportunity to take a nap. :) He is such a great sleeper. He goes to sleep easily and even sleeps in the stroller occasionally. He has slept through the night ever since he got over his jet lag, and slowly but surely he is sleeping a little later in the morning too. Yea!

Daniel's co-workers had a shower for us too! Lots of diapers and money for formula. :) It was so special and appreciated. They were so good to us.

Cool beach cupcakes

Lovin' the blue icing. And notice the "silly bands" on Madeline's wrist. She got her first silly bands as a gift at the shower. She loves the things. So funny on a two year old.

Everyone signed a "Go. Seek. Love." shirt for us. I love it! I can't decide whether to frame it or make it into a pillow.

The guest of honor.

(The photos of this shower came from Daniel's co-worker Joan.)